Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Spring is here, flowers are blooming, the rain is coming down seeping it's way into the ground. When this happens in April, we know it will bring abundant May flowers producing beauty in the world and signs of rebirth. With the lovely surroundings right outside my window and the warm weather coming my way, then why is it I feel the way I do?

I am usually the upbeat encourager, always trying to tell others to not give up hope and to keep going on. For some reason, now I need the encouraging. Maybe I need to read my Bible more and be constantly in God's word? I pray all the time and right now I just want to cry out to Jesus because that is where my help will come from.

Life is such a gift and it's so short for us on this earth. I want to look at life with a more positive view like I feel I use to do. I know these are the things I am striving to do, but I have no energy and right now I am feeling sad. My life has changed from before my surgery. No lifting, no jumping, running.... no doing anything to mess up the surgery for the rest of my life. Alot of the things I use to love to do are gone now, forever. I have to moderate my life from what it once was to become something new.

Having my surgery the end of  February, you would think I was better by now. I am halfway through my recuperation time according to my doctor. 100 days is what I heard and I have been through almost half of that. I'm embarrassed to say that I am still not up to the point where I thought I'd be and I feel discouraged. I can drive now, but I don't have the zest I use to have to go anywhere. Not even foods like pizza get me excited. Where did the allure of the smells of my favorite foods go to? Why can't I find that place in my heart where I feel the need to help others? Why can't I do the things I did once before? It's not that I don't want to help others, or have the taste for life. I just am having a hard time finding it right now. It feels like there is a big brick wall in front of me.

Someday I will be back to my old self. Then I I really want to be back to my old self or do I want a brand new self? Someone who has no selfishness and someone who doesn't get their feelings hurt. I want to be stronger and help people more. It would be awesome if when someone doesn't return an email, text or facebook message, that I wouldn't take it personally. Maybe that's part of my ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) that I was recently diagnosed with.

Those feelings go way back to a place where I wasn't allowed in the treehouse 'club' because I was singled out because of who I was. It goes back to a place where I felt like I didn't belong or fit in. It goes to a place where I saw someone who was made fun of and my heart broke for them. I am compassionate and now I have to learn to help myself  through this little tough time in my life.

My mom told me it would come. She went through her knee surgery and she said it was hard. There is not just the painful physical part but it's the mental recovery part. I saw the difficulty and I felt her pain and cried when I knew she was sad. My mom was so right. Now it's my turn. I am feeling much better physically than I was in the beginning. I'm still not back to what I thought I'd be by now. I am feeling what she said I may feel. When you feel alone in your pain, know you can't really do alot because of  your challenges with health and knowing it will take awhile longer to be better, that's a dark place to be in. I can't ask my family and friends for help. Only my relationship with God will get me through this process.

When someone gets pruned, it's a process. Like when branches of an old tree come tumbling down to the ground, you too feel the limbs being plucked from your life. You feel the numbness of the loss but then you know there will be new growth. Sometimes that will take time and other times, it goes by quickly. My personal challenges from my difficult surgery are part of my recovery to be a better person and maybe because of what I'm going through, I can help others. I then will be able to understand their pain.

Whatever our problems are in life, we will go through this time and make it out safely on the otherside of it.

John 15:1-8 

John 15

The Vine and the Branches
 1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."    5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

Monday, April 4, 2011

Recuperation Doesn't Come Easy

Recuperating from my surgery, I've realized it takes a very long time to get back to 'normal'. Whatever 'normal' is in my life? I don't know if I'll be able to resume activities that I once did. I'm not sure if I'll be able to ever get back into the complete swing of things. I know it will just take time.

If anyone has ever been in a 'recuperating' mode, you know that you want to do a lot, but you just can't. Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." In our lives everyday, we have things that happen that we may not be expecting. Someone in your family could have health problems that won't get better; a child in your family may be bullied and teased constantly; a family may be losing their home; someone could be questioning their faith. There are moments in our existence that define our lives. What will we do with that? Will we persevere or will we give up? Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you, do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord, your God will be with you wherever you go."

I am feeling so much better than I was a month ago. Then, I couldn't go anywhere, do anything, barely managed everyday without pain. My husband has been my full-time nurse and he has done everything for me. He's cooked, cleaned, bathed me, taken wonderful care of me. I can't even explain it all. What a wonderful caregiver God has given me. John is the most amazing person and I appreciate everything he has done. Today, he had to go back to his work and I'm on my own. I still can't do anything like lift, clean, normal everyday duties. I know the Lord is with me and will guide me and I will not be afraid. Proverbs 3:5 says, 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." This is so human standards, we think, "How can I do this? Will I be able to manage?" God will work it all out in his timing and it will be managed by Him. In every circumstance of our lives, when we feel that nothing is working for us, God is..."If God is for us, who can be against us?"

The recuperating will take longer. I will not be able to do regular things or I won't be able to completely heal. I am tempted to go clean and cook but that can't happen just yet. I want to go be a youth leader again and help the kids, but I can't do that now. I want to do so much, but I am not allowed to. I have to persevere, be patient and just take my time.

All of us are in the same boat in some respects. You may not be recuperating or sick, but you may have to wait for something that you've wanted for a long time. It could be a new job, house, neighborhood. It could be a relationship, friendship or just something small. Just keep trying and keep praying and never give up hope. Hope is what we have to strengthen our hearts, souls, spirits, minds and bodies. Without hope, we have nothing. "For God so loved the world, that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16