Why Do I Feel This Way?

Spring is here, flowers are blooming, the rain is coming down seeping it's way into the ground. When this happens in April, we know it will bring abundant May flowers producing beauty in the world and signs of rebirth. With the lovely surroundings right outside my window and the warm weather coming my way, then why is it I feel the way I do?

I am usually the upbeat encourager, always trying to tell others to not give up hope and to keep going on. For some reason, now I need the encouraging. Maybe I need to read my Bible more and be constantly in God's word? I pray all the time and right now I just want to cry out to Jesus because that is where my help will come from.

Life is such a gift and it's so short for us on this earth. I want to look at life with a more positive view like I feel I use to do. I know these are the things I am striving to do, but I have no energy and right now I am feeling sad. My life has changed from before my surgery. No lifting, no jumping, running.... no doing anything to mess up the surgery for the rest of my life. Alot of the things I use to love to do are gone now, forever. I have to moderate my life from what it once was to become something new.

Having my surgery the end of  February, you would think I was better by now. I am halfway through my recuperation time according to my doctor. 100 days is what I heard and I have been through almost half of that. I'm embarrassed to say that I am still not up to the point where I thought I'd be and I feel discouraged. I can drive now, but I don't have the zest I use to have to go anywhere. Not even foods like pizza get me excited. Where did the allure of the smells of my favorite foods go to? Why can't I find that place in my heart where I feel the need to help others? Why can't I do the things I did once before? It's not that I don't want to help others, or have the taste for life. I just am having a hard time finding it right now. It feels like there is a big brick wall in front of me.

Someday I will be back to my old self. Then I think....do I really want to be back to my old self or do I want a brand new self? Someone who has no selfishness and someone who doesn't get their feelings hurt. I want to be stronger and help people more. It would be awesome if when someone doesn't return an email, text or facebook message, that I wouldn't take it personally. Maybe that's part of my ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) that I was recently diagnosed with.

Those feelings go way back to a place where I wasn't allowed in the treehouse 'club' because I was singled out because of who I was. It goes back to a place where I felt like I didn't belong or fit in. It goes to a place where I saw someone who was made fun of and my heart broke for them. I am compassionate and now I have to learn to help myself  through this little tough time in my life.

My mom told me it would come. She went through her knee surgery and she said it was hard. There is not just the painful physical part but it's the mental recovery part. I saw the difficulty and I felt her pain and cried when I knew she was sad. My mom was so right. Now it's my turn. I am feeling much better physically than I was in the beginning. I'm still not back to what I thought I'd be by now. I am feeling what she said I may feel. When you feel alone in your pain, know you can't really do alot because of  your challenges with health and knowing it will take awhile longer to be better, that's a dark place to be in. I can't ask my family and friends for help. Only my relationship with God will get me through this process.

When someone gets pruned, it's a process. Like when branches of an old tree come tumbling down to the ground, you too feel the limbs being plucked from your life. You feel the numbness of the loss but then you know there will be new growth. Sometimes that will take time and other times, it goes by quickly. My personal challenges from my difficult surgery are part of my recovery to be a better person and maybe because of what I'm going through, I can help others. I then will be able to understand their pain.

Whatever our problems are in life, we will go through this time and make it out safely on the otherside of it.

John 15:1-8 

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

 ¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."    ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."